Bring it on 2019!

Happy Almost New Year Everyone!

I have not been great with keeping up with this blog this year, but I don’t think I was terrible either. I will say that it is my hope in 2019 to have more content, get a better understanding of what true direction I want this blog to go in and make it the best that I can. With that said I wanted to do one more post to close out the year and what better post to do than a yearly round up of things, I accomplished in 2018. I’m not great with new years resolutions, the never leaving cynic in me says they’re pointless, but I know it’s good to have something to look forward too. I like having a plan so on top of the important things I accomplished this year, I’m also adding in five new years resolutions I plan to bring into 2019.

 

Five things I accomplished in 2018.

1. Going back to school.

In February of 2018 I officially became a college student again. It was something that I didn’t expect to be able to do anytime soon, but for once all the stars aligned and I was able to miraculously make it happen. I have always been incredibly undecided in what I wanted to do when it came to settling on something, but I did. I made the choice to pursue Environmental Studies, because deep down that is what I’m truly passionate about. It’s what I know, no matter which area I get into, I’ll be able to throw my whole self into it and love it. I’ve never been good at school, but through this so far I’ve only gotten one B and A’s in everything else. Honestly every single time a final grade goes in, or I get a good grade on a paper or assignment that I was stressing over, it is an amazing feeling to know that all the stress was worth it. It’s also given me more faith in myself to do well. Back in high school, I didn’t really have any confidence in myself to do well, I didn’t have much motivation coming from elsewhere and that definitely played with my head. But the more good grades I get, the more confident I go into the next assignment and for someone who’s never had a mindset like that, it’s pretty cool. I go back from Christmas break on Wednesday, and I’m looking forward to it.

2. Opening up.

If there is any lesson that I learned in my life so far is that you have to look out for yourself. I started to take it to a whole other level where I had sectioned myself from everyone except MAYBE two people. I think it’s a good lesson to learn early on that you really only have yourself, but I hope someday to realize that it’s also okay to have someone else there and lean on them from time to time. In the words of Greys Anatomy. It’s good to have that “person” The Cristina Yang to your Meredith Grey (Look up the reference if you don’t’ get it, it’s worth a google search) I know that I have that one person, but it’s still sometimes hard for me to remember that. That being said, this year I’ve let myself open up a little bit more, just enough to turn co-workers, into work friends. To recognize how important the reunions with my friends from the campground are for my soul, and how important it was for me to rekindle the friendship with one that I could have lost forever and that would have been terrible and been one of my very few regrets that I actually have. It’s not easy for me to let people in, even if it’s just a little. Like I said before I learned a while ago that it hasn’t been worth it, but the ones I’ve found recently, have made it worth it.

3. Trust my writing. 

In 2018 I put more faith in my writing. I’m always writing a little here and there, especially poetry as of late but I hardly ever let anyone else read it. This year I sent one in and ended up getting it published in a poetry book and then received a letter from the same publisher asking me to be apart of their best of 2018 series. I was terrified because I’ve written things and then sent them in and whatnot but never had I had someone read something of mine and then decided they wanted more, so to say I was nervous was an understatement. My anxiety was on an all-time high with thoughts of what if they regret asking me once I send one in? And so on. BUT I went to my writing place, dug deep and wrote a pretty good one. I got the authors proof in the mail a few weeks ago, and it came with a letter saying that my poem was moving on to the next round of judging for the cash prize that was also involved in this. (the publishing happens either way) And that was pretty cool to read too. I started doing this to up my confidence and get exposure and seeing my words in actual print, in my hand, was very, very awesome. So I hope to continue to do that. I hope to keep doing the poetry thing, and maybe even do a short story I have a few halves started on my laptop because then inspiration hits me I just start going, but maybe I’ll get something solid out of one of them!

4. Managing my mental health.

In 2017 I became much more aware of my mental health. The obvious anxiety I was having and the depressive episodes that would creep up on me. In 2018 I began to get a stronger hold over both… at the most that one can by themselves. I openly continued to use my social media to bring awareness and end the stigma around mental health issues, I found more ways to help myself get through anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I also learned that sometimes I’m going to have a depressive episode, while thankfully they don’t happen often, and I just have to roll with it. I’m going to stay in bed all day, I might do nothing but stay curled up in a ball, and once it’s over, I cannot beat myself up over it. Instead, I need to just be glad to be out of it and keep moving forward. I have a much better idea of my triggers for my anxiety. Somethings I can change and some I can’t but knowing and managing is a lot of the battle I think.

5. Speaking Up.

In 2017 I felt like I was forced to find my voice because there was no option to stay silent. But I was still apprehensive about what my voice could do and what would come back at me. While that pressure will always be there because of my anxiety, in 2018, I felt less controlled by it and instead a stronger sense of “I have to” no matter what the backlash, keeping my thoughts to myself would be worse. Even it’s just being informed, retweeting things on Twitter, sharing things on my Instagram story, writing about an issue, giving my opinion, any of that, and more matters. I’ve never been much for confrontation, and that’s because of what I had to deal with growing up, but I also have realized that you can’t stay quiet because you’re worried about that because then they win. It’s a crazy time in the world, a lot of separation and opinions and something that has always stuck with me for the last few years is that you have to speak up, even if your voice shakes, if something isn’t right, you cannot stay quiet about it, no matter how low your voice might seem, your words, your stance, your passion, make a difference.

 

5 things I hope to accomplish throughout 2019.

1. Everyone says this, and I usually mention it every time. But getting myself into better shape is something I truly hope to do. I have a good hold on my diet if I would just stick to it a little bit better, but when it comes to the gym, anything more than yoga, I’m awful. I’m always worried that I’m going to flare up my back, that I’ll look like a sweaty fool, and just everything anyone who has weight to lose probably feels. I don’t exactly have a goal in mind as far as weight goes, I’m looking at it more as how I’m feeling. My body HURTS, constantly. Whether it’s my back, my feet, my shoulders and more recently my neck, I’m hurting all the time. Yoga and home remedies help, they aren’t long-term solutions. The more weight I lose, the better I’ll feel, I know this. But for me, it’s just not that easy. Getting into the mindset for longer than like three weeks is hard for me. I blame it on childhood, and lack of motivation for literally anything ever from anyone else, but I have to overlook all of that and focus on motivating myself because I know I’ll feel better, I’ll be happier, I just have to make it stick.
2. This might seem a little strange, but I think in 2019 I hope to put a little more into myself. I have never been much for make-up, or fancy hair do’s, nail polish, fancy clothes or shoes but when I have any or all of that stuff I know that I feel better about myself. It’s not for anyone but for me, but I don’t do it very often. When I was turning 26 I started focusing on a skin care routine for my face which has worked wonders. I’m remembering to take my make up off the night I wear it, I got an excellent haircut that I’m actually managing and loving, and I’m making sure to dress how I want too, what I’m comfortable in but feel confident in as well. I hope to expand on that, just take a little more me time for things like that.
3. Money. Of course, making more, but also be better with it. I’ve never been good with it, but I think I’ve tried this past year, but still, we struggle. I live with my mom and my sister (and my brother but he’s too young to contribute), and we got ourselves out of a terrible situation and did so with very little money. Even with the struggling I’d rather that, then what we were dealing with before, but we have got to be better. I’ve already started a huge budget overhaul to see what we’re doing, what we can change, and what we can move around. I’m slightly optimistic and slightly terrified because it won’t be easy, but I know it is 100% necessary.
4. Read more. It’s crazy to write this because I have a million books and I do read a lot, but I could definitely read more often. In 2017 I read a TON. But in 2018 I got so busy, that I have not read as much as I would have liked too. That of course didn’t stop me from buying more books that caught my eye. 😉 I plan to organize a way to read one book, every two weeks, for the whole year. I’d love to read a book a week, but I know there is no way I’d be able to manage that, but one book every two weeks sounds more than doable. I’ll have a blog post up by the end of the week highlighting what I already have that I want to read, and how else I plan to fill in the remaining year. I’m very much looking forward to it.
5. Be cleaner and more organized. I love when things are clean and in place, but I am awful at it. I’m messy. My car is a mess, my room is a mess, my bathroom gets messy so easily, and the kitchen my gosh. I’m awful, but I feel SO good when I buckle down and clean it up and organize everything. I want to always feel that good, so I wanted things to be clean and organized all the time, I just have to find that motivation to make that constantly happen. This is one resolution that I might have the hardest time with, but I’m optimistic.

 

In 2018, I had a lot of life changing things happen. Most of them were huge, but sometimes the most significant things are the smallest things. I made some tough choices, realized a few things, and took control of others. It wasn’t a stellar year by any means, but it wasn’t the worst either. I’m optimistic because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten a little more confident in myself to make things happen.

I’m telling 2019 to bring it on because If I’ve gotten through everything else in the last four years alone, then I can get through whatever 2019 decides to throw at me. I know that sounds like poking the bear, and I probably am. But yet, I’m choosing optimism.